December 17, 2001
its that time of year
I thought Id remind everyone
of The Greatest Story Ever Told, the story of Fritzmas and
the birth of baby Fritz. If you are like me
you are probably
miserable from all the goddamned jingling bells, blinking lights,
and fucking Bing Crosby songs. Maybe this will change your mood,
youre gonna dig this.
is the celebration of me and all things that I like. It's also a
holiday in remembrance of the Great October Fritz Revolution of
1998. During the FOUR MONTH LONG celebration of Fritzmas, Fritzians
(that would be you lot) are often seen keeping warm by drinking
alcohol, eating too much, and engaging in wild monkey love. The
whole celebration breaks down like this:
Fritzmas begins. Eat, drink, and be merry. October is a time of
reflection. Remember back to the past New Year and complain about
all the resolutions you gave up on, complain about your in-laws,
and complain about the fucking paperboy who cant hit your
even though the motherfucker pitches for the local high
school. Think back to the Great October Fritz Revolution of 1998
and mourn the loss of life. (No one died, per se, but I wasted 2.5
years of my young life with a chain-smoking country music fan. It
was WORSE than dying!) Also, at the end of October, you can dress
up as a little kid and other Fritzians will give you candy. Eat
the candy. Be sure to brush. And floss. Throw away the gum, it's
probably stale. If anyone gives out money, change costumes and go
back a couple times.
Fritzmas is picking up now. Shopping for Fritzmas presents usually
begins (I need some socks and some boxer-briefs. My favorite color
is blue. My favorite currency is the $50 bill, US) and toward the
end of the month we all gather around and consume too much food,
while giving thanks that Fritz is still alive and kicking. Give
thanks that Fritz has brought you all together for such a wonderful
time of year. Continue to complain about your in-laws.
Fritzmas is in full swing now. By now, if you are in good favor
with Fritz, it's snowing in your area. So in praise of Fritz...DON'T
shovel your sidewalks. It's much safer to let your neighbor do it
for you. Save your back for more important things...like shagging
your spouse. Continue shagging your spouse (or yourself, whichever
your prefer) for the rest of the month, but don't forget about the
shopping! At the end of December, exchange some of the Fritzmas
gifts you bought...but not all! You have to save some for Fritzmas
day, which is in...
Yay! Finally, Fritzmas can come to a close. At the beginning of
January, if you are like most folk, youll be rolling over
in bed and seeing someone youve never seen before
probably dont want to see ever again. (Its funny how
beer makes people pretty.) On the 20th, Fritzmas Eve, go ahead and
exchange the rest of your Fritzmas gifts.
story of Fritzmas Eve is a wonderful tale. Peggy, that would be
Fritz's mom, couldn't find a room at the inn, so they continued
on into the dark night. Suddenly, Fritz, uh that's Fritz's father,
asked the group of followers, "Hey...why don't we go to a goddamn
hospital and have this baby like normal goddamn people? And why
the hell are you people on camels following us, dont you have
jobs or something? Who's going to clean up all this camel spit?!"
Then, in the wee hours of the 21st, Peggy's Baby was spawned, in
a hospital...like normal goddamn people.
21st of January is officially Fritzmas day and the celebration comes
to an orgasmic end...hopefully. Enjoy the new year that Fritz has
provided you, hug your neighbor and goose your neighbor's wife.
Continue eating, drinking, and being merry and live your life like
Fritz is watching you
in the shower.