September 27, 2001
to shy away from poop and fart jokes, I think they are the lowest
form of comedy. Now don't get me wrong, poop and fart jokes are
still funny, I just feel that they are EASY laughs, not unlike slapstick.
Face it...people falling down and jokes about poop are funny. People
falling down in poop is even funnier. I don't normally lower myself
to poop and fart jokes, but I'm also a habitual liar.
my wonderful disclaimer...now onto my story.
an episode in a public bathroom tonight. I don't mean an 'episode'
like George Michael had, I mean I had a conflict with a toilet.
You see, it was one of those new type toilets that have an infrared
sensor to automatically flush when the user has finished "dropping
the kids off at the pool." These things are great, but I fail
to see the point, really. I mean 99.9999% of all upstanding citizens
will use their foot to flush the toilet anyway, so what good is
this device? Those commercial toilets are already superior to our
home toilets, why fuck with a great thing? Those commercial toilets
take anything you can dish out and they do it all in once great
big "fla-WOOOOOSH...gurggle." I wish I had one of those
in my house...I'd be happy shittin' bastard then.
back to my episode. I'll walk you through my experience. So there
I am, dropping a nuke...minding my business. Wiping, cause it's
the polite thing to do. (I hate that toilet paper that feels like
it should be in a belt sander, and not wiping my ass. I just dropped
$30 on dinner for 2, the least they can do is give me some Charmin
to clean my anus...cheap bitches.) Ok, done wiping with the sandpaper
they provided, pull up my drawers, check to see if I accidentally
shit on the back of my shirt, then reach for the flush handle. Damn,
no handle...it's one of those. The toilet flushes as soon as I begin
to step away. The shitter fla-WOOSHes, gurgles, stirs, and then
settles. Ugh! There's still about three or four dozen turdlets swarming
around in the bowl, it's looks Poo Chowder. Itty Bitty chunks of
stool spinning in their own natural juices, it's totally gross.
Ok, so I'm not a total prick...I don't want to leave this for the
next guy to see. We guys must stick together...I'd never shit on
my fellow man! Maybe if I knew that the next guy who was going to
use the stall was Jesse Jackson or Pat Robertson, I'd leave the
toilet as is, but I can't be sure who will use it.
what to do in this situation? I know from past experience that some
of these type shitters have a little black button behind the infrared
sensor that will manually flush in case something like this happens,
so I looked for a button and found nothing. (As an aside here, if
they put the goddamn buttons on the infrared flushers, how is that
any different than the metal handle flushers we are used to? This
goes back to what I was saying before...why fuck with a great thing?)
Grand, now I've just touched a public toilet and I feel icky. Suppressing
my gag reflex I try sitting back down on the seat, figuring that
the sensor would detect my large ass and then flush again...no dice.
I guess I didn't sit long enough, now I've just touched a toilet
and I sat on a public seat with my pants up. I'm feeling real hygienic
right about now. I waved my hand in front of the sensor, I held
my finger over the sensor, I even kicked the sensor...nothing worked.
I left, after I thoroughly washed my hands of course. There wasn't
much I could do. I had just destroyed a public restroom, I wasn't
about to hang around and take the blame. I told Lorina about the
whole ordeal and she was laughing so hard she was wheezing and coughing.
So if you are in a Red Lobster and you go to take a crap...don't
use the handicapped stall. Chances are I was just in there and I
fucked it up for everyone.