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Women! You can't live with them, and yet...they're EVERYWHERE!
September 1999

I love women. I love everything about women. I love the way they walk, they way they talk, they way they giggle, and the way they CONFUSE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I swear I have never, EVER understood the way a woman thinks. It just bothers me that women like to group all men into one category, "Jerks". Sure I'm a jerk, and sure I'm an obnoxious bastard, but do you really think I'd be even HALF as interesting if I was nice and civil all the time? If I told you I can appreciate art and I listen to classical music, would you believe me? Hell no you wouldn't! Stop lying to yourselves! Stop lying to me! Cracker ass, white trash, hookers! If you meet a guy who is sensitive and caring, the first thing you think is, "He's gay". Well fuck every little bit of that! Now you know why we act like pricks all the time...so you don't think we're gay!

Men are simple creatures...really. We require very little to keep us happy. Give us what the hell we want and we will (in most cases) give you what you want. (Materialistic bitches) We men only need the following:

1) Food (As long as it's hot, we don't care. We've accepted the fact that you can't cook like our moms, so don't even try)

2) Sex (Especially oral sex. Wanna keep you man from cheating on you? Swallow!)

3) TV (Usually sports, or sport entertainment)

4) QUIET (Shut the fuck up when Reggie Miller has the ball! I don't care what your mother told you today...it's REGGIE FUCKING MILLER!)

That's really the BIG ones. There are some small, petty things that will be different for each guy, but in general...all guys need only those 4 things. Here are a few of the specific things you may encounter with you man, but not ALL men:

1) Don't over analyze us, don't try to figure us out, and don't expect us to GET THE HINT. We don't get hints...tell us what the hell you want for your damn birthday, for fuck's sake.

2) If you think you look fat in that dress...you do. Don't ask us.

3) If you think some other girl looks better than you...she does. Don't ask us.

4) If you think the Knicks have a good chance this year if they stay healthy...they don't. Nice try though.

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Disclaimer: Be forewarned, the language contained inside can be comparable to a drunk & naked sailor. If you are offended by freethinking individuals swearing like a bus load of nuns driving off a cliff, you should leave now, because you suck. I'm gonna assume your first visit is an accident, so I'll let that slide, but if you come back, than you deserve what you get.

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